Don’t read this blog without first reading Matt Freezes’ (mathiasbfreese.com) blogs of October 7th and October 11th of this year. He is far more literary than I could ever be; he expands on what I’ve been feeling and thinking. His blogs have all the gut wrenching stuff that makes Matt who he is; but I’m only interested in it because he had the guts to dig deep within himself. And then publish it. I haven’t yet been that brave. Or honest.
The fact is that I sell myself short. I’m afraid I don’t have the intellect to match Matt’s candor. (I know I don’t have to match him and that it is foolish for me to try; yet that competitiveness resides within me.) The stuff here we’re dealing with is our personal stories and my stuff doesn’t seem to me to be as well defined as Matt’s, at least not as penetrating, for I haven’t revealed as much of my soul as he has. Yet I don’t think we should be involved in a contest. Our journeys haven’t been the same. Our trials and tribulations haven’t been either. Thank God I haven’t suffered the losses that he has. Hopefully, he hasn’t lived with the consequences of abuse that I have. All of this has now been added to my thinking about who I am and about Matt, about him and his view of the world, which has become important to me. As a writer and reader, it is that intimacy that I’m after.
It just doesn’t come. It just doesn’t appear without risks. My wife’s molester told me that I wouldn’t be worth “a tinker’s damn.” He not only hit me (abused me) with that statement, but I’ve also been a victim of his molestation of Peggy (my wife) (as all spouses of victims of molestation are). I am willing to share this now partly because of Matt’s willingness to share his story. Up until now I haven’t been so willing (and you can see I haven’t worked up to sharing the details yet). But Matt is right about having to go on. We have to leave the comfort and protection of the shells we have built around ourselves. After years of living an ordered life someone came along and challenged me (without him knowing it) to be more forthright and to explore where, as a writer, that may take me.
Thank you, Matt Freeze. Randy Ford