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It is fair to say that I have not always liked where my writing has taken me, for instance into the mind of a perverted person, a pedophile. My life, and the day jobs I’ve had, has given me plenty of material from which to draw. Members of my family, as children, were victims of physical and sexual abuse, and we have not always been open about it. As a family we have survived, but for some years all of the emotions associated with the abuse lay buried just below the surface of our daily routine.
At work I was the very best Child Protective Services Investigator; in our role we were always on the edge of a black hole, so I knew of what I was writing when I penned the full-length play ON THE EDGE. I think it was an honest effort. Having said that, and having lived the whole thing, I am not always comfortable with the material. Below is the one scene of a play that I cried over as I wrote it.
Colin
I’ve always been impressed with one neat lady.
(Silence)
Silence may be a good thing. What has Boss said about being afraid of me? I need to know. Dr. Nugent gave her a Conduct Disorder. He said he thought Amy setting the fire…all of that…was intentional. A Conduct Disorder and a goddamn Attachment Disorder. Ruled out an Attachment Disorder. And Major Depression. Chronic and not situational. Do you know what that means? It means I won’t lose my job. Dr. Nugent, you son-of-a-bitch, your next game of golf is on me.
Martha
I don’t get it.
Colin
But, Amy, you can sure as hell lie. Boy, can she lie. I don’t know whether it is worse that she lied about having bruises all up and down her back and saying I beat her, or the fact that she would lie period.
Martha
I think you’re flipping your lid, Colin, I honestly do.
Colin
Boss, our daughter…let me explain. With a conduct disorder and chronic depression, it can’t possibly be emotional abuse. And she didn’t have any bruises, so it’s not physical abuse. All over CPS workers are gossiping about little ol’ me…about how Colin Rogers was placed on administrative leave because his daughter told someone that she was afraid to go home and her old man beat the hell out of her…now get this…with a paddle named The Enforcer. Thank god, she didn’t have a single bruise. Not emotional abuse or physical abuse. So I won’t lose my job.
(Standing with a handful of glass)
I’ve have had a girl swallow…
(Indicating the glass)
…this! So far we’re lucky. We need to keep our fingers crossed. That investigator they sent….
(Glaring)
He knew too much about us. Martha! Oh, Martha.
(He cries and swallows.)
Ignorance.
(He dumps the glass into a trash can and gets several paper towels from the kitchen. On his knees, he proceeds to clean up the spilled beer.)
Amy! We have to be careful…all this at once…her life has been shattered.
Martha
Don’t! My mind’s made up. And if you want to know the truth, it’s been made up for a very long time. I never had the strength before. It took all this.
Colin
I didn’t see.
Martha
Five minutes!
Colin
Life has slipped by. There’s nothing left for me…all gone. The house….
Martha
You can have the house.
Colin
Forget the goddamn house. You’ve nailed me to the wall, and Amy stabbed me in the back. See how quickly lies come…lies compounded by lies…ooo! how sweet lies can be when there’s a payoff seen. Crap! She told them I’d beat the crap out of her. But no abuse! No abuse. That means you’ll still get your child support. Thank you, she says, thank you, thanks…. Our girl had everything: had her own room, in clothes the latest fads, her own television, telephone. She could talk on the telephone all night long and we let her. Our parenting skills, we thought, were on par with the best. But she liked to be left alone in her room for extended periods of times…. We let her messy room go. We never searched it. We never suspected that she abused drugs. I’m the one that drank and used pot to relax.
Martha
And now you sit on the pity pot.
Colin
You’re hard. And I’m guilty… guilty of not being able to get my own ass out of the gutter long enough to notice that Amy has grown…suffers from chronic depression. I didn’t think it was depression. I knew Boss tried to hang herself but I couldn’t…couldn’t drag myself out of the black hole…yes, the black hole…long enough to….
Martha
It doesn’t do any good for you to beat yourself up. You said it yourself, we’re lucky…lucky that Amy hasn’t swallowed glass…YET!
(Colin crumbles the wet paper towel and throws it.)
Colin
Guilty…guilty of bringing my work home…guilty of never letting go of it. Guilty of hearing the words…replaying the words the words over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
Sunshine
(From offstage)
Fuckin’. Pumpin’. Fuckin’. Cain’t do nothin’ ‘bout it. Days go by, still fuckin’.
Colin
Over and over.
Sunshine
(Appearing)
There’s just me and him on the bed. Sometimes he lays me down on the floor. Some…some…sometimes he hides us under a blanket. He pulls down my underwear. That’s habit. He pinches my titties…his titty flirt, licks me, and…has me lick him…and….
Colin
(To Sunshine)
Little girl, would you like a piece of candy?
(And then to Martha)
Pedophiles love children.
Girl
(Appearing)
You guys don’t do shit.
Colin
Pedophiles show love to their victims more often than their parents do. I’ve known pedophiles who are suicidal because they know that in prison they’re not going to be able to show their love to children, unless…mothers bring their children to visit them in prison… ‘cause they love children and know how to get parents to turn their children over to them…‘cause they know just what to do to get love back. They take love and make children do things you’d never…never talk about. Pedophiles…oh, my!
(Very, very quietly)
I like big boobs. Regardless…regardless…how big they are…there’s no law against…looking.
Girl
He’d…he’d neve’…neve’ use rubbers.
Martha
Four minutes!
Sunshine
Tit…tit…tit..titty…titty…flirt.
Girl
Tempted? You could be arrested.
Martha
Two minutes.
Colin
Sixteen and a prostitute. We ought to be thankful.
Martha
Thankful for what?
Colin
MOVE OUT! ALL OF YOUS! Start at the beginning and give me every single detail. He didn’t do nothing! That’s not what you said…wouldn’t do that. No? It’s not lovin’ or intercourse. Then what is it? Pervert! Mama knew and did nothing. Mama…tell me all the filthy stuff and more…and then what happened… year after year if you last that long…over and over again…hear about the poop…the underpants on the railing… the licking…the licking…licking… like an eight year old describes it…the touching, the licking, the licking, until the white stuff comes out. Gooey! And he makes you swallow
it. Gag! And you’ve got to get the words right…all of the words…so THERE’S NOWAY SOMEBODY CAN SAY SHE MADE THAT UP! On the edge of a black hole…you’ve got to understand: we’re always on the edge of a black hole.
Martha
One minute.
Colin
The truth is. And this is absolutely true. He used axle grease. He first went out into the garage and with two fingers dug into the axle grease, and came looking for me…he told me it would feel good…told me before I started dating boys it was part of my ed-u-cashun…told me if I told anyone he’d…he’d hurt my mama.
Martha
Time’s up. I know you have a tough job. But your time is up. So get out of here.
Colin
But what about my things?
Martha
Don’t you understand?
(She starts to cry. He sobs.)
I’m tired, and I can’t deal with it now.
Good night.
Randy Ford, playwright