HIM
by Randy Ford
(Along with HIM, two girls are waiting for a school bus)
Kay: Him.
May: Him?
Kay: Yes, you know… Him.
May: I see who you mean. (Frowning) Ooooo! Him again. Him.
Kay: Don’t look at him. Ugh! Him.
May: Yes, it is…. Him.
Kay: You’re looking at him.
May: Am not! I am not looking at him.
Kay: If it’s not him you’re looking at….
May: I’d rather die than look at him.
Kay: Yep, it’s him.
May: Are you sure? Are you sure it’s him.
Kay: Everyday it’s him. Everyday it’s him. You know it is … him. Him.
May: Him and no one else.
Kay: And that other guy.
May: The other guy is not as bad as him. No he’s not as bad as him.
Kay: Or worse. Or worse than him.
May: Or mean. Or mean as him.
Kay: I hate him.
May: I could do without him too. The other guy. You’re staring.
Kay: I can’t help it. I can’t help looking at him.
May: What is it about him?
Kay: I don’t know. He’s… You know. Him.
May: I don’t fancy being like him.
Kay: You don’t have to worry. You can’t be like him.
May: Him or the other guy?
Kay: You’re right, May. If I was brave, I’d go over to him and….
May: What?
Kay: I’d tell him, tell him to mind his own business. Write down his name.
May: You wouldn’t do it.
Kay: Write down his name. You don’t know his name. There’s something not right about him. There’s something odd about him.
May: Just looking at him you’d think….
Kay: What do you think? What is it about him? What’s odd about him?
May: I don’t know. But it’s there. Something, something odd about him. Something not right about him. Kay, you’re way too obvious. If you keep staring, he’ll…he’ll say something to us.
Kay: I’m not staring at him.
May: If not him, who then? Boy, you’ve done it now. He’s staring back.
Kay: Who’s winning? Him or me?
May: Him.
Kay: Huh!
May: I can’t believe you’re flirting with him.
Kay: I’m not flirting at him. Oh, what am I doing? (She slaps her own hand.) I wouldn’t want him to think…. No! He’s more interested in you. No! He’s more interested in you.
May: His eyes aren’t directed at me. You’re the one he’s looking at. He’s looking at you.
Kay: No, you’re wrong. He’s looking at you.
May: It’s certainly not me.
Kay: Gosh!
May: What?
Kay: Look at him!
May: Him? I wish he’d stop. Oh, he’s…turning this way. I told you, don’t look at him. Now you’ve really done it.
Kay: It’s not me. He’s not looking at me.
May: You turned around, and…. Gosh! You’re way too obvious … too much makeup … too much …. everything. He’s going to think. Him! He’s the creepiest! Him! He’s the creepiest!
Kay: Him!
May: Scariest guy! He’s scariest guy!
Kay: Him! I don’t know what!
May: Him, him, him! He’s coming…coming… Oh, no! No! He’s walking this waaay! Him!
Kay: Let’s go.
May: It’s too late.
Kay: He’s going to say something to me; I know he will. I know he will say something to me.
May: No, he won’t.
Kay: Yes, he will.
May: Not to you.
Kay: Yes, me.
May: No, no. Never in a million years. You never …. Never, with someone that ugly.
Kay: Yes, he’ll … Him! Then I’ll ignore him.
May: You can’t. You can’t ignore him.
Kay: I will.
May: You won’t?
Kay: You’re right. I won’t. I’ll put it out of my mind. He’s too ugly. He’s too ugly for me.
May: Pretend you don’t see him. Walk right through him.
Kay: Sail by him. Walk! Look stuck up. Boy, that was close.
CURTAIN
Randy Ford
The Brainpan 